Got Questions? Hiei Has The Answers
by Lamia-dea
Summary: An adviceQuestion and Answering system written by everyone's favorite pyromaniac demon who also is currently trapped in my closet, Hiei. We'll try out best to update this weekly...
1. Chapter 1

You might be wondering, _WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?!?_

Well, to put it simply, Got Questions? Hiei's got answers! Is an advice/Q&A written by everyone's favorite pyromaniac demon (who also is currently trapped in my closet), Hiei.

He will only be allowed to anwser your questions if you email them to me that way I might tell him what they are through the closet door, have him yell the response and type them up for you to enjoy.

If you'd like to ask a question and be graced with the answer from the almighty demon, please send them whatever subject you want.


	2. The first question

Waiting for you stupid humans to ask a question hasn't worked. I assume you want to see something first then you'll all come running. Hn. Figures, you'd all follow the person in front straight off a cliff like a… what are those called? -Hiei

**Sup Hiei!**

**How tall are you? Just wondering. Short people rule!**

**-Allister's War Weapon**

_Dear Allister's War Weapon,_

_Yes I will rule over the worlds, but not due to being vertically challenged. You should know that by now, human. As for my exact height… it's about 13 evertos. Which for you intellectually challenged humans would be about __147 cm or 4'10" by your human measures._


	3. New Pen Names?

**Dear Lamia,**

**Why Is Hiei Trapped In Your Closet Anyways?**

**Kasey Koch**

_Dear Kasey,_

_I don't really know __**why**__ I'm trapped inside a closet- only that the fox has something to do with this because I heard the girl outside the closet mutter something about a 'Hirama' photo she would release if he didn't "act like the sexy, powerful and corrupt fox" (her words!) and help her. What is Hirama anyway? I know it has something to do with him! It has his name in it…_

_-Hiei_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**Dear Hiei-sama (I think that's the title for deep respect...)**

**I was just wondering why you didn't just kill everyone in the Dark**

**Tournament with the Dragon of the Darkness Flame. You probably could've. (At least you could've killed Koto! That fox demoness was annoying!)**

**Anyway thanks for answering.**

**Hiei-Riku-RubedoFAN**

_Dear __Hiei-Riku-RubedoFAN,_

_Sama, eh? At least some idiotic human out there knows to respect me. Pretty smart of you. Unlike the rabid fangirl that locked me in her closet… whom I would love to kill at the moment, but it would seem as though the fox has created some sort of restraints that keep me from killing her or breaking out. _

_On the other hand, didn't you pay attention to the fights? My dragon made me take a nap after using it… and I don't like naps. . But don't think the though of killing that Vixen didn't cross my mind, I just… opted not to. Kurama said if I killed her, he'd tell Yukina who her brother is._

_-Hiei_

_No Hiei did not make that face, but he was being mean to me so I had to seek revenge_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**Hallo Hiei! It's me, Allister's War Weapon, changed my PenName because of my unhealthy obsession with your teammate.**

**Anyway, don't worry, you're taller than me. I'm 4' 8".**

Kurama-ness 

_Dear… Kurama-ness,_

_Excuse me as I go gag myself with a spoon…. Why is it all you fangirls are __**obsessed **__with the fox? He looks like a __**girl!**_

_-All concerned,_

_Hiei_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**Wassup my bish? Too bad I'm not your fangirl or you would get this really long email not related to questions. Questions:**

**1:Do you call it 'ice cream' or 'sweet snow'?**

**2:Where'd you get your katana, and is it full-tang?**

**3:Is there anywhere you would recommend for a good weapon?**

**4:Do you have any connections to the FBI, CIA, OSS, Bloods, Crips, Thieves**

**Guild, any other guild, Mafia, Russian Mafia, Irish Mafia, Gay Mafia, Retarded Mafia, and/or the black market?**

**5:Does Kurama have any relations to any of above said?**

**6:If no, how do you know?**

**7:How much would a single everto equal in customary units (like inches, feet, etc; not metric.)?**

**8:What's your opinion of the 'Kurama has Multiple Personality with Youko Kurama (or not)' debate?**

**9:Have you asked him?**

**10:Where do you recommend for hair cement?**

**11:Have you ever gotten/forced to have your hair styled by someone**

**else?**

**12:Did you ever get a makeover?(including hair, make-upif**

**necessary,wax/shaveonce again, if necessary,manicure, pedicure, and**

**clothes… not that you'd have to keep it on.)**

**13:If no, can I give you one?**

**14:If yes, can you write a story about it?**

**15:If you can't work these stupid computers, will Lamia-dea write one?(and possibly sneak me a picture..)**

**16:Did you ask her?**

**17:Was that height with or without you hair? (go ahead people, picture it. Bald Hiei… AGH! MY RETINAS!!… doing it with a Bald Kur-computer explodes)**

**-****Xiassen**

_Dear Xiassen,_

_Expect a visit from me as soon as I get out of this closet because you've earned a private meeting with me and my Katana. And for those reading this, think of it as a lesson, to NEVER call me your bish. Maybe I shouldn't even answer your questions…_

_On the off hand, I've just been told I must answer them otherwise I'll be "spoon fed yaoi porn till my eyes bled". That doesn't sound very good. So to save my eyesight-_

_I'll call it whatever I want to. The world's supply belongs to me and __me__ alone_

_My Katana happens to be of the high quality of steel available. The creator is unknown to me because I stole it from whomever 'owned' it. Obviously they weren't good at using it._

_Yes. Unfortunately there's a very good metal smith that I used to know. He'd have all sorts of strings attached for you to something from him though. He's most likely dead by now._

_Mwahaha. Wouldn't you like to know? I'll openly admit that I'm frequently involved with Mafias and the Black Market. But to which specific one, I'll never tell._

_Yes. I some times think he's over qualified for the Retarded and Gay Mafia._

_I don't…?_

_Well let's see…__ I'm 13 evertos which is 4'10" feet. 13/4.1 3.1707317032… centimeters? Hn. I've never understood you're human mathematical skills._

_What kind of a question is that. Youko will __never __ be a mere personality to that horrid human he's trapped in! Never! And to the rabid fangirls who I must kill- no KuramaXKurama is NOT a couple._

_He quite agrees with both my statements. This human Shuichi is a rabbit compared to the fox he once was. And the fangirls who have Youko rape Shuichi scare him too._

… … _**Lamia-**__ For give me. I couldn't quite make out what Hiei was screaming just now- too high pitched. He is however requesting permission to visit you tonight. I might just grant him that._

_shudders Pigtails hurt my head…_

_No! Of course not! Who told you about that time we all got drunk and stoned. It was Kuwabara, wasn't it? Bastard, I'll kill him!_

_**HELL NO!**_

_Please don't make me…_

_**Lamia-**__ smiles I smell a crack fic!_

_refuses to comment_

_With… whoa! Nononononononono_nonononononono!


	4. Annoying Questions

Sorry this took so long! Hectic stuff going around you don't want to hear about. Sorry to any So You Want to be an Alchemist? fans out there, I have to put it on hiatus. I lost the file with the next three chapters somewhere on my computer. I will post them as soon as I mind them.

-Lamia

Dear Hiei, How are you holding up, stuck in a fangirl's closet? 

**To Lamia: How do you get to your cloths? 0.0**

**Back to Hiei: Will you ever tell Yukina that her brother is alive or will you over-protectiveness and underestimation of your own sister prevent you from**

**spilling the beans for as long as you both shall live?**

**When do you think you'll get out? (Totally designed to produce an argument between Lamia and her prisoner) . **

**Okay, all done. Bye!**

**-black-lightning82**

_Dear black-lightning82,_

_Let's think for a moment, HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU FEEL LIKE IF A RABID AND INFERIOR PERSON WAS ABLE TO TRAP YOU IN A CLOSET DUE TO THE HELP OF YOUR 'BEST FRIEND'?! I have the strangest idea that the feeling would be mutual._

_And Lamia's clothes aren't in her closet- from what I can hear in the morning; they appear to be scattered on her floor, desk, bookcase and drawers. Oh and on the top of her bunk too (which she can't reach because there's no latter and she's short)._

_Believe it or not, she was very close to letting me out (provided I come back at night and follow her during the day) on 11/16 because she was stalked, again, during her lunch hour. _

_-Hiei_

**Lamia-**** shudders Yeah, it's true. I **_**really**_** don't like being stalked. It unnerves my parents enough letting me travel on my own where I live. They're considering not letting out any more. So yeah… I almost made Hiei my personal bodyguard but he refused… jackass.**

…

**Hiei,**

**He doesn't look that girly! Plus, almost all bishounen are feminine looking! Well, I'm one of those corny Hollywood movie romantics, and since Kurama's antics are similar to those of a Hollywood movie, you can see why I have an overly unheathy obsession with him.**

**So, I don't judge anyone by their looks, but by their persona. Okay?**

**And are you okay with Kuwabara dating your sister? Kuwabara would treat your sister better than any other guy out there, I can bet you. Is all.**

**-Kurama-ness**

_Dear Kurama-ness,_

_Sure… keep telling yourself that. You misspelled 'Hea__**l**__thy' by the way…. And no, I still don't get why you weird, like Lamia, are so obsessed with him._

_Judge by their persona, eh? Sure. I'll judge a __**person**__ by how they __**s**__ound as I swing my katan__**a**__ through them. How's that work for ya?_

_And no. It's like a state going through my heart whenever he touches her. I really want him to go curl up and die alone in some corner. He's too annoying to life. Yukina deserves so much better._

_-Hiei_

**Hey Hiei,**

**Um I'm just gonna be random. **

**-Are you an Anime fan? **

**-If you had three wishes what would they be? **

**-Would you ever fall for a fan girl?(not likely I guess but for the heck of it)**

**-Would ever be caught stripping? **

**-Have you ever wore a dress and or stripped at a club or bar? **

**-Do you like music? if you do what type? **

**-What do you eat while stuck in Lamia's closet anyways? or what do you do?**

**-What do you think of Emo kids? Gothic kids? Preppy kids?**

**-Do you know who Tinkerbell is? **

**-Do you hate her as much as I do(I consider her the spawn of the devil) I guess that's all I can think of. um this was random sorry if you find any offensive but oh well not much I can do now.**

**Just to let you know I'm a Hiei fangirl! along with some other characters and yes Kurama is one of them! yeah I you were my favorite character since when I was in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade. yeah I got issues I know. Kurama**

**recently became my 2nd favorite character after I got back into my "obsession" as some would call it. You freaking rock Hiei!**

**from **

**Bleeding Darkness Dragon**

_Dear Bleeding Darkness Dragon,_

_Wow… do you freaks get a kick out of making me answer long questions? Again, I'll list my answers._

_Anime is fine provided they don't dub it into 'English'. The voice actors in America don't put as much feeling into their job as the original (Japanese) voice actors. _

_My three wishes would be; 1) Freedom from this closet 2) A slow and painful death to Kuwabara and Botan as well as 3)Three more wishes in addition to this one. (That way I could keep getting more._

_You mean fall in __**love**__ with one of you freaks who dream of me being locked in your closet, Frenching Kurama and me being hand cuffed, naked on your beds for Christmas? You must be joking. I'd never stoop so low. Although if one of you rescued me I might find myself in debt._

_No… why? Kuwabara said something didn't he? IGNORE HIS LIES! __**HE**__ WAS THE FIRST TO LOSE "NEVER HAVE I EVER"- NOT ME! _

_As for music… I haven't really been hearing much lately. Though Lamia has been repeating two bands music everyday… what were their names, again? Fall Down Your Boy and My Chemicals in Romance?_

_**Lamia-**__**I'll pretend you didn't just say that…**_

_Eh… apprantly I got the names wrong. I don't really like either because she blares them too loud for my taste, although __**My Chemical Romance**__ has some pretty decent songs. I don't know the names but I do like the ones about Chasing Something You'll Never Kill, A gunfight in a resturant, Finding You on the Bathroom Floor, and Never Coming Home. __**(Translation- Thank You for the Venom, You know what they do to guys like us in prison, Cemetary drive, and the Ghost of you. Pretty much the entire 'Revenge' Album.)**_

_I mostly get feed Dominos, Teryaki Boy or Fruit Juice Pops. Who's Tinkerbell? She sounds like a sissy…_

_I like them all equally- meaning they all annoy me. The preps are too happy, the Goths and Emos have too many posers to establish a relationship with them._

_And yes, I do rock._

_-Hiei._

**hmm..**

**how exactly do you 'spoon-feed' yaoi? what do you make a yaoi pic out of oatmeal or something?) which type of metal do you most prefer? if you could do anything 'super power'-wise (heh, if only they knew), what would it be?**

**what's the weirdest word you can think of at this moment?**

**and what song are you thinking of right now?.**

**Xiassen**

_Dear Xiassen,_

_I do not want to know how one is 'spoon fed yaoi'. Use your imagination and leave me alone. As for metal, stainless steel is the best for swords. I would … I don't know. I already have super powers. Weirdest song would be… __Dragostea Din Tei. And the song I'm thinking of is __Kill All Your Friends__ by My Chemical Romance._

_-Hiei_

**Hmm... Hiei,two questions. One, what's your**

**Favorite ****book? (Though I don't know how often you read... Whatever.) And two,**** are you and Mukuro a couple? (I think you should be!)**

**Fantasyfan01**

_Dear Fantasyfan01,_

_If there is a "'How to escape the closet of a rabid fangirl's closet' For Dummies" Please send it to me. That would be my favorite book. And why do you all insist in annoying me with relationship questions about my life? Hn. Kuwabara is dead once I get out._

_-Hiei_

**Hello Hiei, this Flame Neko. I know you could and would find some witty sacastic way to twist my name into a mean nick name and I say go for it. That would just mean you acknowledge my excistence, heh. Anywho, I have two**

**questions. Don't give me attitude on this cause I am just asking, Why haven't you told your sister the truth? She'd love you no matter what and it seems the reason you don't tell her is more about you than her. ((Though I know it's to protect her.)) And lastly... How do you keep your hair sticking up like that?! Do you use a balloon on it every morning, or what?**

**PS: You'll hear from me again.**

**-Flame Neko ..**

_Dear Flames Neko,_

_For the sake of you behaving, I won't poke fun at your name. Isn't that oddly merciful? It would appear as though I can't avoid this question any longer… the reason why I can't (and won't) tell Yukina abiut me is because she's better off not knowing. She'd never accept a serial killer as a brother, better to keep her hopes alive than to diminsish them completely._

_As for the hair, I'm so fucking powerful my hair is afraid of me._

_-Hiei_

_Dear _Hiei-Riku-RubedoFAN,

_You really didn't ask a question and I'd rather not let the world know you gave me advice, so you get this. Thanks._

_-Hiei._


	5. Gone but back

GUYS I'M SO SORRY THIS IS LATE! YAHOO HATES ME!

And I had to let Hiei out for a mission but he never came back TT

I had to drag my ass all the way to Japan and find out he was hiding with Sailor Mars… I got him back though so all is well.

**Dear Hiei-Chan--**

**Do you remember me? We met at the dark tournament. Except my name was**

**Crystal. I wanted to come to Lamia's house to hug you, but she was**

**afraid I would let you out. She's really a nice person. Just a little strange... continue to strive!**

**P.S. I don't really believe her when she says you secretly love Kurama.**

**I'm**

**sure it's one-sided. .**

**--Crystal (A.K.A Selene)--**

_Dear Crystal,_

_Name wise, yes that rings a bell. You weren't one of the groupies squealing during the fight with Shishiwakamaru, are you? (cause once I get out I'd have to kill you…)_

_Yes… I know you came in to hug me shudders and for once, I'm glad that an opportunity to escape passed by- I might have to kill myself if my fangirls touch me._

_Nice? SHE'S THE SPAWN OF SATAN!_

Lamia: holding issues of Gravitation **Sorry, did I hear that right? Do I need to come in there? And yes I'm strange, thank you for the complement.**

_Ahem, so yeah. Support is nice. Especially in proving I DON'T like Kurama! DID NO ONE GET THE TRUE MEANING OF __A tale of __**Friendship**_? It clear states we are FRIENDS!

-Hiei

**Dear Hiei-kun,**

**Poor Hiei-kun, it must really suck being trapped in a closet by a rabid**

**fangirl. (to Lamia-dea: A closet! Come on that's just mean! At least let him get out once in a while. no offense meant.) I am a Hiei fangirl but no I am NOT one of those crazed freaks who dreams of having sex with you every night! blegh! So don't worry I wont subject you to any humiliating questions just a couple that I'm truly wondering about. **

**-besides from rabid fangirls what is your biggest fear? (if you even have one)**

**-Besides from Mukuro if you could fall in love with any girl what would**

**They be like?**

**-How would you react if you ever saw a HieiXKuwabara pairing? (I found one the other day and went into a fit of hysterics and a temporary coma because the mental pictures were to strong. I didn't even know that pairing existed!)**

**If I ever figure out where Lamia-dea is I'll try to come rescue you so just try to hang on till then **

**Alkitty311**

**P.S. You'll probably hear from me again**

_Dear Alkitty311,_

_Yes… it does 'suck' quite a lot to be trapped in a closet. It is not the most pleasurable experience so I'll be sure to return her the favor when I get out. This is my guess, it is the reason as to why she won't let me out. Wait! People dream of-…. Well of _course_ they do! Why wouldn't they. I happen to know that I __**am**__ incredibly sexy!_

_Fangirls do plaque my nightmares but I do not fear them. If they were smart they'd fear me. Why would I tell you my fear anyway (hypothetically of course) here where the whole world might see?_

_If I were to fall in love the girl would most likely be the complete opposite of my captor. _

_ALRIGHT WHO'S THE #$FACE WITH THE DEATH WISH?!? I DO NOT FEEL ANYTHING BUT HATRED, and slight acceptance, FOR KUWABARA! shudders I think I'm going to have a nightmare tonight. Really. It was that disturbing. I don't want to think of what I would do because that would imply I'd have to think of what happened in said fanfic._

_I hope they die slowly,_

_Hiei._

**No offense is meant, Miss. Lamia, when I say that the typing needs work. I am certain that Hiei-sama would not be pleased to see the grammatical and spelling mistakes in his recorded prose. A suggestion would be to present him with a personal laptop, and opening the**

**door to your closet-prison on a regular basis. (The lack of oxygen in an enclosed space and feeding off of junk food is never good to neither humans nor demons, both in health and behavior.) My congratulations to you for beginning this Q & A. It seems to be quite**

**popular. I wish you the best. (Though I desperately wish females now-a-days were not so... 'fangirly'. It burns my eyes out.)**

**If I may, I'd like to ask some questions of my own. I won't ask anything now**

**- I'm sure this is review is longer than I originally intended and I do**

**Not harbor a death wish just yet.**

**Best regards,**

**Azuril Violette**

**(VI. Lazirux, the Enigmatic Scholar)**

_Dear Azuril,_

_Lamia here, since this more so was directed to me. I know, it's me making up excuses and not wanting to reformat everything after I receive the review from (again for would like to apologize for being so late). There are holes in the wall which are protected by a similar barrier that used to keep higher classed demons out of the human world, again we have Kurama to blame but this time with the help of Koenma. You would have to be a negative Z ranked demon to go through them, and sadly for him, Hiei's a B-class demon but he's pushing A._

_You see, I did actually have to let him out unless I wanted become a criminal in the underworld and although it sounds cool, I have no supernatural powers that would make any decent addition to team Urameshi if I were presented with the choice between death and joining. So I let him out for a mission to help out the Sailor Scouts and it took a few months to get him back. Very hard to describe even someone who looks like they're fresh out of the pencil sharpener when you can't speak Japanese. _

_Thanks for the support,_

_Lamia_

**Hiei-**

**Another question! What would rather do, wear a bunny suit, or complement Kuwabara?**

**-****Fantasyfan01**

_Fantasyfan01,_

_I'd take the bunny suit and hide in my tree._

_-Hiei_

**Dear Hiei-sama,**

**Hi! I'm Kato Shingetsu and I have two questions for you.**

**1) Are you a nihilist?**

**2) Do you want to come over and play ****Guitar Hero**** sometime? Somehow I think 'Take this Life' by In Flames suits you and you'd be able to beat Zanitchan easily.**

**Well, that's all for now.**

**Kato Shingetsu (Director)**

_Kato,_

_Do you expect a 'hello' in return? Just for that you won't get one. A nihilist, well just the word sounds cool but I'm not sure. The lives of many seem meaningless these days but I'll save that to the country's dear friend Kira. 0.0 SOMEONE TELL KIRA WHAT LAMIA'S REAL NAME IS SO HE CAN KILL HER! _

_Guitar Hero? What's that?_

_-Hiei_

**Hiei-sama,**

**1. Why did you steal the Shadow Sword in the first place? It doesn't seem like it would help you find anything you were looking for, unless you actually want to rule a world full or people so inferior to you.**

**2. If you had the chance, would you go on a rampage killing all evil**

**fan-girls and Acid Rays of Sunshine (aka happy people)?**

**3. Have you ever played chess? **

**4. Why don't you just kill the idiot already? (kuwabara) You could always just kill the SDF if they came after you. **

**Darkness is My Savior**

_Dear person with the really long name that I don't feel like typing so I'm going to type of a longer one that rolls off the tongue better,_

_I stole it for a few reason; to prove that I could, to try and one-up the spirit world with minions, and just have fun._

_2)_


	6. I let Hiei out of my closet

I know I'm horrible

I know I'm horrible. Really, am I.

I know I'm letting you all down but there comes a time where I 'run away' from past work because I've fallen out of the rhythm of a story. Well this basically is what happened to this account. I've gotten a new ID here of , it's iSnuffles and you can get the URL by looking at my homepage button on my profile.

So far I have a story for _Higurashi no Naku Kori Ni_ going there but I'm planning a lot of Death Note stories as well.

Again, I'm sorry.

Oh and the only story I MIGHT bring over is "So You Want to Be an Alchemist?"


End file.
